The Best Man Rules.

Guys, pick a number, one or two.

  1. You’re the sort of fella that can just get up and chat away in front of a crowd of people like it’s a fun, everyday experience? It feels great, you’re confident, and you can nail these situations?
  2. Or does the thought of talking in front of large numbers make you physically sick? And you would rather be anywhere else right now?


As much as it’s nice to say, “Hey, I’m the first one, I was born to talk!”, most guys struggle with it because it’s bloody hard. Nothing to feel bad about here. It’s just hard.

And it doesn’t feel good to actually admit you’re number two. Of course it doesn’t. You want to be the guy that acts all blasé and gives the impression this happens everyday, as per, while knocking out an amazing speech that has everyone in stitches.

I have some bad, but mainly good, news.

Most of us, being honest, come in choosing the second option. It’s how our minds work. We were out the day before doing something we loved, having a beer, enjoying life. That’s our fun place. It’s safe. We want to keep doing this forever as long as it doesn’t get boring.

Just to think about getting up in front of everyone and facing embarrassment is not a safe place. It’s a downright horrible place. And it will haunt you all the way up to the wedding day.

But you’ve been tasked with this speech and, I’m telling you now, we’re going to get through it together. No, I won’t be stood alongside you, but I’ll give you the tools to deliver an awesome speech and also give you the confidence to realise you can do this, and nothing bad is going to happen!

The promise.

We are going to take the least confident public speaker out there, and arm them with their own material. Yes, everything I use comes from you. Your stories, your memories.

Scared? Don’t be. You’re better at this than you think.

All I’m going to do is take the funniest bits (and I read them first so I already have a pretty good idea), and turn them into something that will have your audience wanting to hear more and more. And when you get up there, barely able to talk, but start to realise that “Hang on, they love this!”, you’ll be wishing you could stand up there for an hour!

And it goes a little like this:

  1. You watch the other speeches; this makes you more nervous because they’re better than you expected.
  2. It’s your turn, your throat goes dry even though you just necked another drink.
  3. You fumble through a few thank you’s, it’s intense, you want to go to the bar, home or have a nice weekend in N. Korea. Anywhere would be better right now.
  4. You let the audience know you’re going to finish the speech with a poem (as far as they’re aware, you wrote it, do not tell them any different).
  5. Nice, slowly and clearly, start to read the poem from the paper you’ve printed out at home.
  6. As hard as it is, look around the audience while they’re laughing. You will have time between verses, and it will intensify your enjoyment when you see their reaction.
  7. Nail it home! They will be in stitches and you will be waiting for them to fall silent before you can continue with each verse. Enjoy this moment.


You will be coming up to the last verse and saying congratulations to the happy couple before you know it. Not only that, but you’ll wish you had more verses to read out because you feel bloody great right now!

Don’t hold back guys, get in touch, let’s get you the confidence to deal with a large audience and have everyone eating out the palm of your hand. In less than ten minutes you will have gone from downright scared, to being the bloke that can take on anything. And the funny thing is, it’s your audience that will take you to that place.

Email me now: for the best rates we’ve ever had.


The Right Words Make ALL The Difference!

And the wrong ones…

Ever said the wrong thing to someone, and then watched the listener’s face drop?

Sure they might try to hide it, but it’s usually quite obvious and the hurt is done. It doesn’t feel very nice for you, let alone them, and you can’t take it back. In the real world, sorry is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.

No acknowledgement, or apologies will make them feel any better.

So your job is important!

You’re going to get up in front of a large group of friends and family that all want the bride to have the best day of her life. One wrong word and you have the potential to spoil someone’s whole day, and more… so a little care now could save everybody embarrassment, including you.

I was recently asked to include a verse in a poem about the bride’s flatulence (that is seriously the most polite way I’ve ever put it). Apparently it was great joke amongst friends and the bride herself played on it too, so the best man thought it would go down a storm. But I advised against it.

My thoughts were that it’s her wedding and not a night out, or a few drinks at home. And some of her family and friends might think it rude — yes it’s funny, but only in the right situation. Once those words are out, it’s on video, it’s everywhere! Does she want to be watching that forever more? Probably not.

He agreed with me and we kept all the funny stuff for the groom, because that’s who deserves the stick, in a nice way. Anything I mention about the lucky lady will be written in a way as to make her feel very special. And, trust me me when I say, you will come out of this speechmaking business looking like the legend you are if you follow that advice.

Are you struggling with your speech?

Well nearly everyone does, so it’s not something you need to worry about, especially when I can help you. A funny poem at the end of a short thank you speech will have the audience eating out of your hand. It’s an awesome feeling.

Email me today at and I guarantee a unique poem for you. No generic rubbish from the internet — it’s all based purely on the stories you give me. It’ll be funny, and will get you laughs and, if you’re nervous, will give you that added confidence to blow an audience away!

Don’t put it off, we’ll nail this together!


P.S. Short one today, and it’s been quite awhile between posts — hopefully that’s about to change. More soon…

The Feelgood Factor!

The Feelgood Factor!

And what the hell does that have to do with being the best man?

Pretty soon you’re going to be taking the floor and trying to wow an audience. It’s not enough that you know a few funny stories about the groom, that won’t cut it alone. You need to be able to deliver those stories in a humorous, heartfelt way.

“That’s ok, I’ll wing it.”

And I’ve done that too, and I also know it rarely works. The big day arrives and the pressure builds all the way up to the speeches. Nerves set in, the confidence begins to subside and your mind goes blank. You develop a stutter you never had before and you’re unable to drink without dribbling. Nice.

What about the feelgood thing?

The feelgood factor is a quality in something that makes you feel happy and positive about your life, a product… and even your best man’s speech.

When you have it you can take on anything, beat any odds and wow your audience with every word uttered. It’s like having your best mate right behind you for backup.

That would feel pretty good, wouldn’t it?

So take in some backup!

Arm yourself with the best ending to a speech you can get and let me write a poem for you. I promise it’ll be unique to you and the groom, not generic slush full of the usual wedding jokes.

Email me today at to find out more — there’s only one shot at that speech!

To finish I’m going to leave something I was sent the other day, and is probably the best testimonial I’ve received. This poem had a bit of everything in it and seemed to hit a chord. So thanks D, it was very much appreciated!

Hay Ben Im soo amazed!!! Me and my girl friend were just laughing and then crying while reading this in bed! It is so spot on I can’t even begin to say!!! Yes I will make the pauses in the right places!! If you ever come back to England i will get the drinks in. Mate thankyou so much once again, lost for words!! 
Kindest regards 

Why Your Best Man’s Speech Is Going To Fail – And How To Prevent It.

I’ve got you covered.

Even the most nervous best man dreams about making an awesome speech.

Holding the entire audience transfixed as he reels off yet another funny story about the groom. He’s loving the crowd and they’re loving him back. It’s glorious.


Then it all goes wrong. Even though you’ve consumed pint after pint of Dutch courage, the nerves are more intense than ever. Words aren’t coming out the way you planned, you can’t read your cards properly, you’re intimidated by a heckler and you want the ground to swallow you up.

I’ve got news for you.

Even the most established comedian has been here. Completely frozen by nerves, and you want to know how they beat it?

The 5 P’s

Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance

Think about what you really want to say and who would want to hear it. In other words, think about your audience every time you think up a new story about the groom.

  • Are they going to like it?
  • Will they understand it?
  • Would anyone be offended?
  • Are children going to be present?

It isn’t rocket science, his family, and certainly the bride’s family, probably don’t want to hear about previous sexual encounters no matter how funny they are to you and your friends (this is obviously dependant on the wedding – give it some thought). Alcohol won’t carry you through an offensive speech and make it funny. Work harder at the planning – there are always outstanding stories, whoever the groom is, so you shouldn’t have to resort to offensive material.

If your speech is full of offensive stories, and the first one has just gone down like a lead balloon, what are you going to do when you’re stood up there in front of everybody? It’s not a good situation.

Keep swearing to a minimum. In fact, try and eliminate it altogether. The older generation, and certainly young children, shouldn’t have to put up with it just because it’s funny to you and your friends. An audience moaning, or talking in disgust, about your speech after the event isn’t a nice feeling, even worse if it’s been filmed – you can’t stay drunk forever :).

Try the Mum test.

This is how I look at it. If I considered it ok to tell my mother/grandmother, then it’s probably ok.

Try it for yourself, would you be happy if somebody told your nearest and dearest the story, or jokes, you want to tell?

So that’s the material sorted.

Now you need to practice it. Visualise the audience as if you’re reciting the best speech ever written, and they’re lapping it up. They want more because you’re so funny; that’s the goal. Comedians, presenters, public speakers all go through this.

And it makes it all possible.

Once it’s practiced, and clear in your mind, your confidence will grow and this can help when nerves set in on the day. It’s surprising how the brain can take over subconciously when you’re up against it, but you must practice.

Of course, a poem containing all your memories, listing the greatest parts of your friendship and written to appeal to any wedding party could be the answer, saving you time and shredding the nerves.

If that sounds like somthing you’d be interested in, email today.

The Big Day – The Wedding!

How to Shake the Butterflies!

First thing’s first, this isn’t your big day. Keep telling yourself that and you should feel better. The only bit that’s nerve-racking for you is the speech, which is later on – for now you must look after the groom.

Set the alarm!

Whatever you do, make sure he’s up! On my big day, the best man had to get me down to the local tool hire shop, organise a carpet shampooer, feed me a McDonalds and then clean our lounge carpet because I managed to barf all over it the night before. This wasn’t my finest moment, but we got away with it! Needless to say, he was an absolute legend and got me to the venue in plenty of time!

So, getting the groom ready:

  • help with the suit and buttonhole,
  • check the rings (don’t forget the rings!),
  • have breakfast,
  • make sure you both have your speeches,
  • get him to the church,
  • make sure he’s been to the toilet,
  • calm and reassure him,
  • get him a soother if needed (hip flask is useful),
  • be prepared to go on errands if needed (all sorts of things can crop up on the big day!)


Stick with the main man. He’ll probably be nervous as hell by now so talk to him.

The actual service will go without a hitch – trust me. The celebrant, vicar, minister or whatever will guide you if you’ve forgotten anything, so hand over those rings (you did remember them didn’t you?) and soon the happy couple will be kissing as man and wife. It’s that easy! Woop!

The Photographer

Get outside when you can and help the photographer get the right people into the right places so the snaps can be taken. This can go on for a while but, for you, not long enough as the speeches are yet to come. Once everything is done here, you can head to the reception.


My advice, which isn’t much good to a teetotaler, is to have a couple of swift pints to calm your own nerves. Get one for the groom too. You want to be mellow, not wasted, or the speech is going tits up! I’ve witnessed such an event and, although funny for the crowd, not good for the families, happy couple or the best man. Take it steady!

Enjoy your meal. I’ve never had a problem with eating due to nerves, but some people struggle. Try and forget about it and enjoy the first few speeches. If there’s a couple of dodgy ones, all the better for you. Remember, the crowd will be fixated on you, and that actually makes it easier to get a laugh. You could almost get up and grunt and somebody will give a giggle.

If you really want them rolling on the floor laughing, email me NOW at and I’ll write you a poem that’ll have them in stitches, and makes a great gift for the groom too!

Help! I’m the Best Man. What do I do?

  • Need an example of a poem?

  • Wondering what to expect?

  • These are extracts of a poem I wrote for Sean in Ireland.

Poem #1

I first met Pete in Dublin,

But his tightness was rather troubling,

Pete couldn’t be found, when it was time for his round,

As he hid under a table a-chuckling.


We became solid mates in no time,

Got thrown out of pubs when the bell chimed,

In the event of a fight, he stayed out of sight,

Just typical of someone who drinks white wine.


Pete’s parents are so cool I could shout,

They welcomed me in with no doubts,

But I tell you my dears, it’s best to stay clear,

When Pete’s dad’s been on those old sprouts.


Of course, I should mention Pete’s wife,

Cos she’s got to put up with the strife,

Pete’s habits are worse, than an old witches’ curse,

Kate, we all think you deserve a big prize!


So stand up and toast these two folks,

I’ll soon need a drink or I’ll choke,

“To the bride and the groom, they’re over the moon”,

Pete, buy me a drink cos I’m broke!


Want your audience to be in stitches?

Email me now at