He’s going through the mill.
Statistics show that 99.9% of men getting married would rather be doing anything other than preparing for the big day. Mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, they’ll even trim the edges and sweep the drive afterwards. And if the car needs a wash too? Awesome!
But getting fitted for a suit? For fu… goodness’ sake.
Those statistics may or may not be true, but I do know the average fella isn’t tuned into big preparations of any kind. For my own wedding it was easy. My beautiful wife had everything sorted and I just had to go into a shop, with my wife, choose a reasonable looking suit, with my wife, make sure it fitted, with my wife, find some shoes, with my wife, and I was good to go. I’m very lucky in that most of the gear in the shops fits straight off the shelf for me, so it was very much a case of bing bang boo, that’ll do.
But in conversation with a mate lately, I was hearing about fittings, matching suits for the hundreds or so groomsmen, pageboys and carpark attendants, going shopping for ties, “wedding things”, venues, cakes, invitations — hell, it was scaring me! And I thought the best man had a tough job.
And then, of course, there’s the rehearsal. What evil-minded, masochistic son of a person could have come up with this idea? A rehearsal?
A wedding before the wedding! Are you having a laugh? Can’t we just wing it?
I’ve been winging it all my life, just follow the lead of the fella at the front. He even tells you what to say!
But noooo, we go along with this “preparation” for the good of our futures, to prolong our lives if you will. Because if you have so much as a foot out of place when you’re standing alongside your goddess, you’ll feel two eyes boring holes through your skull… trust me, at this point just keep looking straight ahead. Don’t worry, she won’t say anything at the time because the vicar will be holding court in front of you (but there will be plenty of time for that later… oh yes, plenty of time).
But back to the groom.
On top of his planning, preparation and whatnot, he has to come up with a classy speech. It doesn’t have to be much, just about how they met, how his life has changed for the better, how he now has beautiful in-laws, a load of thank you’s, a few jokes at the best man’s expense before he returns the favour, and he’s pretty much there. Easy.
Some guys find it easy, some find it extremely difficult, but I can help with that. If you want to put down the basics, I can rearrange it into a poem or speech that you’ll feel comfortable with, and will also help the beautiful bride forget about all the cock-ups you made during the ceremony.
Worried because it won’t have come from you, or the heart? That it isn’t real, or natural? Let’s be perfectly honest here, nothing about this wedding business has been natural so far, so work on getting the tears flowing, and laughter rolling, and keep your stress to a minimum.
Get this part right, come out the hero, and then celebrate with a few pints with the lads as per. Sorted.
For the ladies…
In case you’ve been reading any of this, and you probably shouldn’t in case you go questioning your intended spouse, but that’s life. We can’t change nature.
Geezers, lads, gents in the broader sense, aren’t generally interested in all the palaver that goes along with a marriage — that’s just the way it is. Isn’t it enough that they let you go out and spend months organising absolutely everything, and still turn up on the big day to make you happy? Let’s be honest, it’s not a lot to ask.
Lads, gents, please get in touch, message me here, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s make at least one part of this wedding easy… and pleasurable.
Speak soon, Ben.
P.s. Some of that may have been tongue in cheek…
P.p.s. I think I feel eyes boring holes…