C’mon Chaps, We Have To Stand Together!

It’s all about us!

It’s on our shoulders boys, it’s time to wise up. You’re going into the unknown here, and you have to deliver a speech impeccably. You want everyone in awe as they hang on each and every word uttered from your quivering lips. It’s not a pleasant thought.

You’re nervous, you want the toilet, then an earthquake to take the building down, or even Donald Trump to press the button just so you can get out of this situation!

Yes, it’s serious.

But why? You’re just a bit-part at a wedding. Someone who’s probably helped arrange a session on the beer and an afternoons paint balling. The rings have been handed over, so the last part of your duties is the speech. Done.

I’ll tell you why it’s serious if you just let me finish. You are the most important person at this wedding. Sure, the bride and groom have their little place, but the comedy genius is remembered forever. And that, my friend, is going to be you.

Now, if the groom treads on the bride’s dress ripping it apart leaving her in her undies, the laughs will go on forever (and it won’t matter how funny your speech is). But because this is as likely as Donald Trump starting World War 3 just as you’re about to start your speech, you’d do well to ensure your little talk is going to blow them away.

You see, weddings are pretty much just a wedding. We’ve all been there, got drunk, had a great time, but the one bit they all look forward to is that speech. The speech you’re about to deliver. So you are actually the most important fella there. Remember it.

How many times have I written about who not to offend, how to take it easy on the rudeness, almost let something slip but not quite. Get this right and you’re going on YouTube for the right reasons.

So think about this. Get up and thank a few people, try a couple of jokes maybe, and then what about delivering a knockout poem that leaves everybody in stitches?

Let me write one for you and I guarantee you’ll get laughs and your audience will be putty in your hands. If you’re confident enough to get through the whole thing on your own, great, you don’t need my help. But if you get even slightly nervous standing up in front of a crowd, get in touch.

I know only too well how your mind can go blank in those circumstances. Have a poem ready and be the most important person of the day! (The bride and groom will be glad you did too.)

I’m Ben, and I can be found at thebestmanspoem@yahoo.com — speak soon.

The Right Words Make ALL The Difference!

And the wrong ones…

Ever said the wrong thing to someone, and then watched the listener’s face drop?

Sure they might try to hide it, but it’s usually quite obvious and the hurt is done. It doesn’t feel very nice for you, let alone them, and you can’t take it back. In the real world, sorry is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.

No acknowledgement, or apologies will make them feel any better.

So your job is important!

You’re going to get up in front of a large group of friends and family that all want the bride to have the best day of her life. One wrong word and you have the potential to spoil someone’s whole day, and more… so a little care now could save everybody embarrassment, including you.

I was recently asked to include a verse in a poem about the bride’s flatulence (that is seriously the most polite way I’ve ever put it). Apparently it was great joke amongst friends and the bride herself played on it too, so the best man thought it would go down a storm. But I advised against it.

My thoughts were that it’s her wedding and not a night out, or a few drinks at home. And some of her family and friends might think it rude — yes it’s funny, but only in the right situation. Once those words are out, it’s on video, it’s everywhere! Does she want to be watching that forever more? Probably not.

He agreed with me and we kept all the funny stuff for the groom, because that’s who deserves the stick, in a nice way. Anything I mention about the lucky lady will be written in a way as to make her feel very special. And, trust me me when I say, you will come out of this speechmaking business looking like the legend you are if you follow that advice.

Are you struggling with your speech?

Well nearly everyone does, so it’s not something you need to worry about, especially when I can help you. A funny poem at the end of a short thank you speech will have the audience eating out of your hand. It’s an awesome feeling.

Email me today at thebestmanspoem@yahoo.com and I guarantee a unique poem for you. No generic rubbish from the internet — it’s all based purely on the stories you give me. It’ll be funny, and will get you laughs and, if you’re nervous, will give you that added confidence to blow an audience away!

Don’t put it off, we’ll nail this together!

 

P.S. Short one today, and it’s been quite awhile between posts — hopefully that’s about to change. More soon…

Spare A Thought For The Groom!

He’s going through the mill.

Statistics show that 99.9% of men getting married would rather be doing anything other than preparing for the big day. Mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, they’ll even trim the edges and sweep the drive afterwards. And if the car needs a wash too? Awesome!

But getting fitted for a suit? For fu… goodness’ sake.

Those statistics may or may not be true, but I do know the average fella isn’t tuned into big preparations of any kind. For my own wedding it was easy. My beautiful wife had everything sorted and I just had to go into a shop, with my wife, choose a reasonable looking suit, with my wife, make sure it fitted, with my wife, find some shoes, with my wife, and I was good to go. I’m very lucky in that most of the gear in the shops fits straight off the shelf for me, so it was very much a case of bing bang boo, that’ll do.

But in conversation with a mate lately, I was hearing about fittings, matching suits for the hundreds or so groomsmen, pageboys and carpark attendants, going shopping for ties, “wedding things”, venues, cakes, invitations — hell, it was scaring me! And I thought the best man had a tough job.

And then, of course, there’s the rehearsal. What evil-minded, masochistic son of a person could have come up with this idea? A rehearsal?

A wedding before the wedding! Are you having a laugh? Can’t we just wing it?

I’ve been winging it all my life, just follow the lead of the fella at the front. He even tells you what to say!

But noooo, we go along with this “preparation” for the good of our futures, to prolong our lives if you will. Because if you have so much as a foot out of place when you’re standing alongside your goddess, you’ll feel two eyes boring holes through your skull… trust me, at this point just keep looking straight ahead. Don’t worry, she won’t say anything at the time because the vicar will be holding court in front of you (but there will be plenty of time for that later… oh yes, plenty of time).

But back to the groom.

On top of his planning, preparation and whatnot, he has to come up with a classy speech. It doesn’t have to be much, just about how they met, how his life has changed for the better, how he now has beautiful in-laws, a load of thank you’s, a few jokes at the best man’s expense before he returns the favour, and he’s pretty much there. Easy.

Not.

Some guys find it easy, some find it extremely difficult, but I can help with that. If you want to put down the basics, I can rearrange it into a poem or speech that you’ll feel comfortable with, and will also help the beautiful bride forget about all the cock-ups you made during the ceremony.

Worried because it won’t have come from you, or the heart? That it isn’t real, or natural? Let’s be perfectly honest here, nothing about this wedding business has been natural so far, so work on getting the tears flowing, and laughter rolling, and keep your stress to a minimum.

Get this part right, come out the hero, and then celebrate with a few pints with the lads as per. Sorted.

For the ladies…

In case you’ve been reading any of this, and you probably shouldn’t in case you go questioning your intended spouse, but that’s life. We can’t change nature.

Geezers, lads, gents in the broader sense, aren’t generally interested in all the palaver that goes along with a marriage — that’s just the way it is. Isn’t it enough that they let you go out and spend months organising absolutely everything, and still turn up on the big day to make you happy? Let’s be honest, it’s not a lot to ask.

Sooooo…

Lads, gents, please get in touch, message me here, or email me at thebestmanspoem@yahoo.com and let’s make at least one part of this wedding easy… and pleasurable.

Speak soon, Ben.

P.s. Some of that may have been tongue in cheek…
P.p.s. I think I feel eyes boring holes…

 

 

The Feelgood Factor!

The Feelgood Factor!

And what the hell does that have to do with being the best man?

Pretty soon you’re going to be taking the floor and trying to wow an audience. It’s not enough that you know a few funny stories about the groom, that won’t cut it alone. You need to be able to deliver those stories in a humorous, heartfelt way.

“That’s ok, I’ll wing it.”

And I’ve done that too, and I also know it rarely works. The big day arrives and the pressure builds all the way up to the speeches. Nerves set in, the confidence begins to subside and your mind goes blank. You develop a stutter you never had before and you’re unable to drink without dribbling. Nice.

What about the feelgood thing?

The feelgood factor is a quality in something that makes you feel happy and positive about your life, a product… and even your best man’s speech.

When you have it you can take on anything, beat any odds and wow your audience with every word uttered. It’s like having your best mate right behind you for backup.

That would feel pretty good, wouldn’t it?

So take in some backup!

Arm yourself with the best ending to a speech you can get and let me write a poem for you. I promise it’ll be unique to you and the groom, not generic slush full of the usual wedding jokes.

Email me today at thebestmanspoem@yahoo.com to find out more — there’s only one shot at that speech!

To finish I’m going to leave something I was sent the other day, and is probably the best testimonial I’ve received. This poem had a bit of everything in it and seemed to hit a chord. So thanks D, it was very much appreciated!

Hay Ben Im soo amazed!!! Me and my girl friend were just laughing and then crying while reading this in bed! It is so spot on I can’t even begin to say!!! Yes I will make the pauses in the right places!! If you ever come back to England i will get the drinks in. Mate thankyou so much once again, lost for words!! 
Kindest regards 

Wedding Myth Busting: Beer Will Get Me Through The Speech.

Steve Hesketh Photography.

Good Old Dutch Courage.

With the wedding ceremony done and dusted, you rush to the reception as quickly as the driver can get you there — but even Jason Statham in a hurry wouldn’t be fast enough today. It’ll be the only time you’ve tried to be at the bar first, because it’s important to down six pints before sitting down for the meal. You’re the best man, you need a relaxer, a few pints as per, and a double JD and coke to sip while you’re knocking out the speech you threw together last night. Job’s a fish.

The Meal.

Everyone’s sat down. Everyone’s enjoying themselves. And everyone’s tucking in to a cracking meal… while relaxed. Everyone but you. The food might just as well be cardboard because there’s only two things on your mind right now — the speech, and the desperate need for more alcohol to relax. Oh, the joys of being a best man.

The guests are chatting, getting merry and waiting for the, all important, speeches to start. There’s a good atmosphere, and the father of the bride gets up and delivers a heart warming, funny speech. (Tosser!) The applause is amazing and the audience is almost salivating, lapping up every word. Let’s hope the groom gets up and is really unfunny. Please…

So, of course, the groom gets up and he’s bloody hilarious, he even has a dig at you. (Bastard!) Just wait until I get up, I’m going to be so funny now I’ve had a few, the comedy just rolls off the tongue after a few beers.

Finally the room falls silent after another rapturous applause, and all eyes are on you. You take another swig and try to stand, but your legs aren’t working properly. Wobbling to your feet, you look around and squeak a quick hello. You try to thank the bridesmaids; there’s brief laughter followed by silent disbelief as you instead mutter something about a spank. But that’s the least of your worries because the mother-in-law has just taken offence to something about “an old dragon”, yes the words are really flowing now! As the  father of the bride makes his way over to take a swing, you find the crowd divided; half of your audience want you to go on all night, the rest want you removed from the building. Either way, YouTube will let you relive that golden speech for years.

But I Digress… Does It Help?

Regarding nerves, it didn’t make a blind bit of difference to me, or those I’ve spoken to since. Sure, a couple of drinks helps the mood, but I was still nervous as hell. What really gets you through is knowing that the speech you’re about to deliver isn’t going to offend, will be funny, and will get the crowd behind you, not against you.

The only way to nail all three is to consider all aspects while… sober. You want the bride, groom, family and friends to laugh and warm to you. Tell funny stories without being crude, or leave them out altogether. Ask yourself would it offend your mother? Grandmother? It’s a simple test and you’ll be glad you used it.

Conclusion.

If unsure, play it safe. Use different material and just have a couple of drinks… or get properly mullered and go down in a blaze of best man’s glory! (And please send me the link:)

 

If you have a wedding coming up and need a hand with your speech, get in touch today.

 

IMPORTANT! Please share if you know a guy getting married.

It’s not too late… run!

Wedding speeches made easy.Oops, but seriously, there’s thousands of guys out there at the moment absolutely petrified about one thing concerning their wedding:

  • It’s not the organising (surely she’s got that covered?)
  • It’s not the ceremony (just a matter of standing there and answering a few questions
  • It’s not even the risk of standing on their future wife’s dress (yay, I have a mate who did that:)

Nope, it’s the bloody speech. And it has a habit of creeping up on you… all good, there’s months before the big day… no worries… it’ll come naturally… oh bollo#@s!

The big day arrives.

You’ve been busy, too much to sort out, drinks with the boys, blah blah blah and you’re left with a shocking speech that even tumbleweed wouldn’t blow past. So what am I saying? For starters you could take a look through this blog to get all the tips you need on writing a funny speech. Yes, it’s based on the best man, but a lot of the same points apply. And then you could put down some ideas, get in the necessary thank you’s, share the love, and make your wife very proud (that’ll stand you in good stead). Sorted.

If you’re a friend of the groom, you could show him this post and give him half a chance of putting together a decent speech. He might pick out some good stuff that’ll actually help him. You see, what he’s about to do is very important and his wife is going to be relying on him to make it special. Getting up drunk and slurring through some old drivel while saying “I loves her I do” won’t be appreciated like a well prepared speech or poem. Believe me, she will love a poem!

And later on, when he’s just thrown up on the back of her dress and collapsed on the dance floor, he will always be able to say “But I wrote you a poem”, and she’ll just smile and forgive him immediately. Marital bliss huh?

Guys, get in touch if you need help with your speech. Email me at thebestmanspoem@yahoo.com and we’ll turn you into the hero we know you are!

Writing for a mate’s 40th.

I get asked for samples every now and again, and enquiries about how the finished poem might sound. All perfectly understandable, and questions like these are common:

  • How long is each verse?
  • Will it be funny?
  • Will it rhyme?
  • Will it be clean?
  • Can it be sentimental?

And because I can’t really share the poems I’ve written specifically for my clients, I’ve had to make up odd verses and put those on my blog. Well now, at last, I have a legitimate poem that you can listen to for yourself… unfortunately, you’ll have to put up with me delivering it.

One of my oldest friends in the UK has just turned 40. A good mate of his got in touch and asked if I’d write something to be played as a surprise at the restaurant they were celebrating in. I loved the idea, and this is what I came up with.  Enjoy!